Money is Just Money // My Two Cents

I hate money and the emotional stress surrounding it.
I say this with tears in my eyes, as I've just been having a 15-minute pity party with myself. All of this happened because I came home to a note on my door with rent renewal rates.

Obviously I had anticipated a price increase, though I hadn't known when to expect it. I think part of me actually believed it wouldn't increase because I am such a star tenant.

Who was I kidding? Myself, obviously. So after the initial reaction of name-calling my property management crooks, I proceeded to do some quick math and the panic set in.

I'm still teary-eyed as I type this because I hate that I have allowed money to dictate my happiness. Money doesn't decide whether or not I am happy, I wake up each morning and consciously decide how I want to feel.

Then why do I feel like a pile of doggy doo doo?
Because my issues with money are deeper than a minor spike in rent. I am fully aware I spend too much money on unnecessary items—namely clothing, shoes, and accessories. But I continue to do so because: I feel deserving; I have a passion for fashion; I like a good deal; I want to look nice; I like variety; shopping cures boredom; it gets me out of the house/off the couch. The list goes on.

This all leads to another financial issue: saving, or lack thereof.
Despite having a paying job and minimal debt, I feel as though I am barely breaking even. I thought job stability was supposed to co-exist with financial security.

My dad would step in now and bring up my 401-k. Yes, I am beyond grateful that some of my hard-earned cash is accumulating value somewhere in the mystical land of investing. I guess because I'm not seeing this money physically grow (oh, how I'd like to hold a nice wad of cash), it feels too distant to be valuable. However, I think it's better that way. Let it live in lala land until it's reached it's earning potential. (Maybe I need a quick trip to lala land myself.)

Back on Point
I think it's on me to stand up to my financial stress and start putting my foot down on unnecessary purchases. It's going to be hard and it's going to be scary and sacrifices will have to be made.

But this cyclical spend, realize, panic (and stress which inevitably leads to spending...) process is clearly not working. I don't want to rely on my parents, I definitely don't want added stress, and to be honest I've wasted too many damn tears on money.

Money is just money. It's cloth we give value. It's necessary evil. There are people who live full, happy lives with much less. My challenge to myself is to channel their happiness. To get creative. To never let my self-worth elicit self-doubt or self-destruction.

Money is just money. Happiness is free.