On Comparison

Yesterday I stepped on the scale for the first time in several weeks. After dropping my gym membership and over-indulging the past two months (rightfully so, I may add), I figured it was time to check in.

I don’t own a scale, but occasionally hop on them time to time in random peoples’ houses or at the gym. Personally, I find checking in with myself more beneficial than any number on the scale. How am I feeling? Do my clothes feel more snug than usual? Am I struggling up a few flights of stairs? These are more compelling to me.

But because I’m a vain, curious human, I stepped on the scale. Surprisingly, it hadn’t budged much.

Just as I was taking in the numbers, a woman stepped on another scale beside me, and any sort of self-confidence I felt a moment ago was quickly replaced by the anxiety of having to step off the scale immediately so this much thinner, more fit woman (in my mind) would not see my very personal numbers (which would make me look like a whale compared to hers).

I’m not sure if she saw my weight, but I definitely saw hers. It was the same as mine. Down to the decimal.

I wish I could articulate how I felt at that moment. The moment of realization that how I see myself may be skewed. That maybe I don’t give myself enough credit.

This is the problem with comparing yourself to others. You will always lose. In any situation. Comparison is the thief of so much joy, and I wish there was a way to eliminate it from our existence. Imagine how much more interesting our world would be if we weren’t always trying to be someone or something we’re not. Imagine all that wonderful weirdness.

I’m sharing this because I thought I had a pretty good handle on positive thinking, but yesterday’s experience proved just how easy it is to slip into a negative state of mind. Plus, my perception was not in line with the reality. Kind of like Instagram–no one's life is as perfect as their (curated, styled, and edited) images make it seem.

I should care about being the best version of myself, and comparing myself to others sure as hell won't get me there.

Let’s just be who we are.

_____
BRB, scrolling through Instagram and being extremely envious of everyone else’s life. #StoryOfMyLife #CantEscapeIt

Resolutions

More of all of these things in 2016. That's what I resolve to do this year (and every year, really). Cheers!

2015

With only a few days left in the year, I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon and reflect on the past year. There were highs and lows, laughs and tears, moments of greatness and many sleepless nights. I could literally be talking about any year, as this is what my life consists of annually (and sometimes weekly). Regardless, here are a few things to recall from 2015.

+ I’M PROUD OF: the way I’ve leaned into Kansas City. Into new friends, and to saying yes.

+ I'VE LET GO OF: some of the fear of calling people out. Being blunt and honest doesn’t always have to result in hurt feelings. It may sting initially, but it’s typically worthwhile when done with good intention.

+ I STILL NEED TO WORK ON: being more intentional in life. Maybe not spending money on shoes I don’t need. Maybe saving more for the experiences I complain about not being able to experience because I spend too much money (on shoes). Also having less anxiety about things that haven’t happened (and likely won’t).

+ I FELT SUPER ACCOMPLISHED WHEN: I stood up in front of the creative department and pitched a (personal) concept all by my lonesome. It was a new level of vulnerability for me.

+ A BAD HABIT I PICKED UP WAS: binge watching Netflix before bed.

+ A GOAL I HAVE FOR 2016 is: to explore Colorado. And to write more.

+ I'M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT: having my parents within driving distance again. The potential for travel. The birth of my baby (just kidding, just seeing if you’re still with me).

+ I'M GOING TO MAKE TIME FOR: creating, sweating, and exploring. And being a more adventurous chef.

+ NEXT YEAR I WILL: be thankful, grateful, and kind. And maybe brush up on my math–counting with my fingers is generating some disheartening looks.

It's been real, 2015. Thanks for the memories.

Quarter of a Century

In a few days I'll be a quarter of a century old. Let that sink in for a minute.

Are you done freaking out yet? Can we move on? Good. Let's catch up on a few of the wild and crazy things I've been up to before I turn to stone.

+ I conquered my (deep) fear of flying in a small plane. And I mean tiny. Like two-passengers-arm-to-arm-the-pilot-better-not-sneeze-because-I'd-have-to-take-over tiny. Are you following? We took off at dusk, flew to a BBQ restaurant at the end of a nearby runway, and cruised above a very lit up Kansas City. It was equal parts fabulous and frightening. We may or may not have diverted a landing at the downtown airport because I had a minor meltdown. I'm here to talk about it, so we'll just leave it at that.

+ I moved! And by moved, I mean I packed up all my shit and realized I have way too much shit. Like why I hold on to some of the things I hold on to is beyond me. Am I really going to wear the sweatpants from junior high track that I've kept in my storage closet for four years? (Not any more, because I took them to Goodwill tonight...#regrets.) I've been reading a lot about this book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (I haven't actually read the book; I've just been reading other people's reviews and takeaways – the broke girl's guide to reading), and what I've gathered is that you are supposed to get rid of things when they no longer bring you joy. You hold the item in your hands and ask yourself, "Does this bring me joy?" If it does, you can keep it; if not, you thank said item for the joy it brought you at one point in your life, then you toss it in that Goodwill pile and pretend like emotional attachment doesn't exist.

+ I made hummus. Like from scratch. Without tahini. It was okay. I actually prefer the store-bought version if I'm being honest. It's much creamier, and I even squished all of the stupid skins off two cans of chickpeas. A lot of work, but I felt very accomplished dipping my carrot sticks in it.

So moral of this post is to do things that scare you. Fly in small planes, get rid of things that are just things, and squish those damn chickpea skins.

Oh, and age is just a number, and is nothing to be frightened by.

Super Chill

It's 7:55 p.m. and I'm lying in bed with a cup of peppermint tea struggling to keep my eyes open. This has basically been my routine since the time changed. The minute the sun sets my body automatically assumes it's 9 p.m. and basically checks out. Which is super convenient considering there are a number of things I need to do after the 8-5 grind. Like pack up my apartment.

I'm saying sayonara to my first apartment in KC this weekend. The one where I learned to appreciate alone time and onsite maintenance. I made pancakes for the first time in this humble abode. I also stayed up most of the night once with a serated kitchen knife in hand. I'd like to think I've come a long way.

So naturally I'm listening to Sia's Elastic Heart and making absolutely no progress on packing. Because when has moving been stressful for anyone, ever?

On My Mind

Let’s take five minutes and talk about 5 things on my mind.

1. Do Not Disturb Have you ever wondered what that little half-moon icon on the iPhone swipe up menu is? It’s basically the greatest unknown feature. It silences all your annoying alerts and notifications. I’ve been turning it on before bed and at work when I need to focus. The alarm still works and you can still receive calls, but now I don’t have to hear that infamous ding at 3am because Old Navy decided to have a flash sale.

2. Oily Hair Bootcamp Apparently there’s a workout regime for your oily hair woes. By strategically scheduling your shampoos, you can actually train your hair to be less oily. Warning: it involves going no poo for four days and includes an apple cider rinse. Not for the faint of heart, but I may give it a go and report back.

3. Sweater Weather I made the first addition to my sweater collection this fall and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I found a merino wool pullover sweater on sale at Madewell. It’s thin, but still cozy. Plus, it’s dry clean only which basically means I’ll never have to wash it (and therefore ruin it).

4. A Little R&R I was fascinated by an op-ed in the NYT about one man’s take on the importance of quality time. He argues that longer, more focused together time is crucial for relationship growth, and that it’s worth the time and the money. I couldn’t agree more and would love to take a week vacation (or staycation) every quarter to spend quality time with the people I love.

5. Reality Check Does anyone else ever feel like their wants are unproportional to their needs? Yesterday I caught myself on the verge of dropping $25 on a gold fruit bowl. I am fortunate enough to have most of my needs met, so why I thought I needed this strange item is beyond me. I mean I should at least wait until it's on sale, right?

Life After College

1. You’ll miss learning. As much as you despised college classes at the time, you’ll feel a void without them. You’ll crave learning and will realize what a truly curious creature you are. You will likely fill this void with DIYs and umpteen hours of beauty vlogs, but you’ll miss the days of getting lost in research and sharing (and defending) your opinions with classmates.

2. You will feel pressured to take the "next step" in your life. If you graduated, people will expect you to continue on with your higher education. If you're dating, they'll expect an engagement. If you're married, they'll want babies. And if you've got little ones, you'll need a house. I don't know if people are living vicariously through you or if they just want you to be socially accepted. Regardless, all of the freedom and comfort you felt in college just being yourself gets drained by people in the "real" world.

3. You'll still rely on your parents when it comes to your finances. Landing a real job and receiving probably the largest paycheck yet is well and good, but money will still be a burden. Because taxes, rent, food, and fun are not cheap. Plus you'll be expected to start your retirement fund and encouraged to invest early, so yeah. You're basically breaking even and will need to call mom and dad at least once when you're financially strapped. Tears will ensue. You’ll feel like a failure, but asking for help and taking initiative is actually the adult thing to do.

4.You'll struggle to make friends. Especially if you move away. You'll meet people, sure. But it's harder for those people to become friends when you don't see each other every day. And since you’re short on cash, social events are fewer and far between. But don’t give up. You will find your tribe. It may be small, but you’ll appreciate these friendships because they happened organically and on your own terms.

5. You will feel like a complete idiot at least once. Probably more frequently, but there will be a few notable moments. Like getting pulled over and proudly handing over your proof of insurance only to find out it’s actually a 24/7 driver assistance card. But then you’ll cry and the officer will let you off the hook this time, and you’ll appreciate feeling like a child again.

6. You will miss your family and your sense of home. Unless you move into a house, apartment life will kind of feel like a long-term vacation. You’ll miss what houses have to offer, especially the one with your family in it. Space, natural light, backyards. These will be a luxury. Add a home-cooked meal at an actual dining table (instead of sitting on the floor of your Ikea coffee table) and game over.

7. You can’t hang like you used to. Your idea of a crazy night is hitting it hard at happy hour (two Boulevards, please) and heading home to Netflix with a nice buzz. You’ll then complain about how hung over you are…three days later.

8. You’ll pay attention to the hands of the people you’re attracted to. Because wedding rings are more common than they were in college.

9. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll freakout and you’ll question everything. Welcome to your 20s, where some of the best, worst, and weirdest moments will happen. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, so buckle up. It’s about to get wild.

Sweater Weather

Hello, October. I unintentionally took a whole season off from blogging. Did you miss me? Who am I kidding, of course not. Regardless, I've been trying to incorporate some writing back into my life. I find it rather cathartic, so humor me.

Since I've been MIA all summer, let's talk fall. Have you indulged in pumpkin spice everything yet? Would you believe me if I told I haven't been to Starbucks yet for one of their fancy schmancy fall drinks (though let's be real, I only want to go for the cup design)? Though I have made several cups of pumpkin spice tea leftover from last season. Does tea expire? Better Google that quick.

Fall always brings a sense of newness and change, doesn't it? The leaves change, and soon everyone's hair color and wardrobes do too. I'm on the hunt for some fall closet additions, like a pair of booties and a couple sweaters. I did a quick closet cleanse a few weeks ago, because #minimal, and realized my sweater game is pretty weak. Like Forever 21 and holes and snags weak. As a working professional (calling myself an adult doesn't seem fair because I still eat frozen waffles and pretend like I understand taxes), I deserve a nice sweater or five, right? Was that a resounding yes? I'll send you guys my credit card bill, thanks.

Sweaters are the perfect transition piece. They come in various weights and fabrics, and layer well. Perfect for #basicbitches like myself. Cardigans over tanks for warmer days, lightweight knits over dresses and tights for chillier ones, and the classic chunky ones play nice with jeans and falling temperatures. Sweaters are like the peanut butter of the closet. They never disappoint.

I've rounded up some sweater inspiration to reference when shopping. I've been trying (and surprisingly succeeding for the most part) to only purchase things I truly love and that truly make me feel good (and look good too, because humans are vain and I'm no different). Choosing quality over quantity is hard (especially when it shows up on the price tag), but having fewer items that I know I love makes getting dressed so much more enjoyable.

And I'm all for adding more joy to my life.
(I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately.)

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6

Little Things

+ Locally made lip balm
+ Finally finding the perfect gold cuff
+ Scented candles on clearance
+ Discovering a new coffee shop
+ Sunshine

Let's celebrate the little things in life.

The Perfect Morning

I love the mornings, especially when the sun rises at about the same time as me. I've found that I'm most happy and productive when my day starts with a little sweat and a little fresh air. And if there's time for a decent breakfast and a cup of coffee...game over.

Life is waking up an hour early to live an hour more.

Blank Spaces

My life can be summed up by the number of white shirts I've ruined. Grace doesn't come naturally to me, but neither does a blank canvas, I suppose. Luckily I'm so accustomed to this flaw of mine I've learned to just embrace it. And buy Tide sticks in bulk.

The Worst Thing

Public speaking is consistently ranked as one of the top fears among humans. And, if you’re human, I’m guessing you know why. Standing alone in front of a crowd and clearly articulating an idea is desirable by exactly no one. Even the people who look all cool, calm, and collected on stage are faking it. No one likes that type of vulnerability. They just can’t.

Today I gave my first solo presentation as a professional in front of an auditorium of my colleagues. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my presentation was based solely on an original idea crafted and constructed by myself. Basically, I was presenting a very personal idea that hadn’t been shared with anyone prior to the presentation.

I’ve been a nervous nelly my whole life. Even in some of my bolder moments (high school theater, college speech class), I was shaking in my boots. I’ve learned to keep my nerves under control in smaller group settings, like pitch meetings or critique sessions, but just thinking about large group settings makes my heart race.

As a naturally anxious person, the thought of getting in front of a crowd was literally keeping me awake at night. I kept telling myself that I didn’t have to do it. After all, it wasn't exactly required that I get up there on my own. I could have backed out or jumped shipped and presented with a small group instead.

But I didn’t. And I am so ecstatic that I didn’t I could bust into a happy dance. To be clear, just because I followed through with the presentation doesn’t mean that it went well. In fact, I’m fairly certain it went horribly. I was awkwardly speaking in to and out of the mic (yes, a mic), couldn’t navigate through the Keynote to save my life (pro tip, have someone else do the click throughs), backtracked and then jumped forward without warning, and surely left out a lot of information that better articulated what was on the slides.

I don’t actually know how horrible it went, because, if I’m being honest, I don’t remember a thing. I remember that my nerves didn’t subside until I was sitting back in the audience where I felt I belonged in the first place. But I did it. And I know it seems silly, because people do similar things on the daily without losing sleep. I’m not one of those people. But maybe I’m a teeny bit closer to becoming a bit more like them.

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts recently, and the discussion of one episode (I can’t remember which one otherwise I’d cite it here) was focused on various fears creative entrepreneurs face. A life coach was speaking, and she mentioned that she often asks her clients, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?"

People normally reply with things like: “I could totally bomb; I could make a fool of myself; I could lose money;“ etc. And while those are all valid fears, she summed it up perfectly when she said something along these lines:

The worst thing that could happen is that you live the rest of your life never having tried.

That one thought changed everything for me. So what if I give this presentation and it’s an epic fail. Sure, making a fool of myself would suck, but missing an opportunity to let a little piece of me shine? That’s the epic fail.

So I did it. And, no, it wasn’t pleasant or enjoyable or well done. But it was worth it. It was so very worth it.

Stop Over Thinking

My sketchbook doodles are like personal PSAs to myself. This one is likely applicable to more than just me, so I figured it was worth sharing. This weekend was so refreshing. Literally, the air was so fresh. And it was so nice to just not think for a few days.

I have this terrible habit of fixating on all of the things that could go wrong and overanalyzing stressful situations. It's basically a combination of OCD and anxiety...lucky me! Once I'm fixated on a thought (especially, and most often, a stressful one), it's nearly impossible for me to get it out of my mind. This leads to little sleep, poor food choices, and a slew of additional stress. This cycle is vicious and the struggle is real. 

So for anyone out there who can relate, let's stop over thinking so we can get back to living. 

Welcome, Spring

Anyone else feel a little off today? I blame the time change (among other things). Despite feeling a little sluggish, I'm in a pretty good mood considering the weather has completely taken a turn for the better the past several days. We welcome you with open arms, Spring.

I spent Friday evening in Rivermarket with a few of my work friends. We needed to blow off some (major) steam, and it was fun to just laugh together as a team. We started at Harry's which has a great happy hour, and officially one of my favorite drinks: That's Germane. It involved gin, St. Germane, ginger, and grapefruit. (I specifically wrote the ingredients down so I could hopefully recreate it at some point in my life. Like maybe when I'm rich and famous and have one of those trendy bar carts.)

Saturday morning began with a lazy start (purposefully, as I haven't had much relaxation time between work). I finished a great book, Missing You by Harlan Coben, which I read almost exclusively on my iPad (a first for me). I also made some fancy-looking pancakes–which were beyond easy to throw together–because on Saturdays, we eat carbs. (At least I do, anyway.)

Saturday evening I went out in Westport with some friends. I wore open-toed shoes and didn't bring a jacket. That alone made for a great night out.

Sunday was just as gorgeous, so I thought it would be the perfect time to try to start running again. I took several weeks off after having terrible knee pain that started to last beyond running. I also wanted to test out my new kicks. I felt a little guilty purchasing them, but am happy to report they were a great buy. I purposefully took it slow–I didn't even wear a watch, so I have no idea how far/long I ran. But I did start to notice a dull pain kick in toward the very end. Not ideal, but it's definitely better than within the first mile like I was experiencing earlier.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think it's safe to say spring is here to stay.

Magical Mothers

I’m probably biased, but I have the best mom. Seriously. What normal human being would travel from sunny Florida to spend a cold weekend cooped up in a tiny, one-bedroom apartment? My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

She arrived Thursday evening bearing gifts–homemade chocolate chip cookies and fresh pompano. We decided to stay in and have the pompano for dinner, which is probably now one of my favorite Florida fish. We chatted over wine and popped in the movie Blended (which was an extremely cheesy flick).

We spent the better part of Friday night at a swanky sushi bar in Leawood. We munched on edamame and two rolls. I also had the best lychee margarita of life.

Saturday morning we ran some errands. I picked up a great pair of nude sandals from DSW (never too early, am I right) and we strolled through Target for at least an hour (one of my favorite things to do). Mom insisted on purchasing new rugs for me–apparently my ratty old things had her concerned about my well-being. Thank goodness for mom’s like her.

The weather on Saturday afternoon was ridiculously nice (not at all what was forecasted), and we took advantage of the sunshine to drive over to a local winery not too far from my place. We opted for the tasting ($6, 6 wines, and a take-home stemless glass) and I was pleasantly surprised with the range and flavor of the wine. Not your standard Midwest, glorified fruit juice wines.

Saturday evening we made a reservation at Room 39. A small, intimate farm-to-table restaurant. I ordered the tasting menu (kale salad with blood orange vinaigrette, rabbit ratatouille, lobster, and tres leches chocolate cake) and Mom ordered the charcuterie plate and we nibbled on that while sipping on some fancy drinks.

After dinner we made our way to a small comedy club in Westport for Underground Throwdown. Three improv groups performed using whatever the audience yelled out at them. The theatre was packed, and there was one group that was the clear winner. So fun!

Sunday we ventured out in the cold to take advantage of the free fitness classes held at Athleta. The workout was sponsored by a new pilates gym in Westport, and the class was a mix of plyometrics and mat work. We grabbed smoothies and coffee at Panera and headed home to get ready to go to the movies.

I had free tickets to a show, so we went to Still Alice in the Fork & Screen theatre where we had our own call button for waiters. Which is ironic considering I snuck in my own popcorn, chocolate, and water. It was still cool to experience that type of service. Oh, and the movie, though kind of a downer, was very good. Definitely makes you appreciate the mind you have at the moment.

The rest of the afternoon was spent getting groceries, making dinner and meal prep, and watching the Oscars. Oh, and Monday my apartment was spotless, the laundry was done, the dishes were washed, and all of my odds and ends were neatly arranged. Mom's are magical in that sense.

Money to Blow

If I had some money to blow (which I definitely do not), here's three things I’d spend it on:

1. A super rad manicure I’m talking half moons and gold tips. Something that makes it look like I don’t open my own car doors or scrape day-old food off dishes. 
2. An unlimited membership to a hot yoga studio Because paying a fortune to sweat uncomfortably is all the rage—especially during the winter months. 
3. A trip to Hawaii Volcanos, surfing, whale watching, hiking, sunshine, fresh food, good vibes—dreamy.

Florida // October 2014

Because the last few days have been nothing but gloomy and gray, here's a recap–in photos because otherwise I'd write a book–of my first (and only) trip to visit my parents in Florida. Note: I was in the midst of perhaps the worst cold I've ever had and still managed to have a more than stellar time. Meaning that sunshine and saltwater are EVERYTHING. 

Life Lately // 08

Watching // The Mindy Project. And laughing hysterically through every episode. Mindy is so determined to make her life the best it can possibly be, and always makes the most out of every set back. And I can't not mention Danny–proof that height means nothing with the right attitude (and moves).

Learning // With Skillshare. I signed up for a free 30-day trial, and I've already enrolled in a few courses taught by some awesome folks in the design community–Molly Jacques, Jessica Hische, and Aaron Draplin. Definitely take advantage of this resource if you're looking to brush up on some of your skills.

Baking // Coconut oatmeal cookies (adapted from this recipe). New favorite cookie of life. Even without chocolate. (Though these could totally be dipped in some dark chocolate!) Chewy, crunchy, sweet, salty, melt-in-your-mouth perfection. Seriously if you like coconut you will love these.

7 Realizations of Life Without a Microwave

7 Realizations of Life Without a Microwave

1. You purchase and consume less processed junk.
2. You start to enjoy cooking, and realize fresh food tastes better than frozen.
3. You learn to get creative when you want to whip up a quick meal or snack.
4. You appreciate how much better food tastes and looks when it’s reheated in the oven or on the stovetop.
5. You reach for fresh ingredients, and reduce your food waste.
6. You save space in an already small kitchen.
7. You spend less on groceries.

Disclaimer: I do use the microwave at my office on occasion. Usually to reheat my coffee/tea or warm up soup.

Winter Blues

Winter is great for a number of reasons: holiday cheer, chunky sweaters, and peppermint everything. But what it’s not so great for is my mood. I’ve been about as motivated as a hibernating squirrel, mindlessly popping Christmas-colored M&Ms in my cheeks like it’s the only thing left that can keep me warm and upbeat without going stir crazy.

Seeing the sun is rare these days, and even when it does decide to show its face it’s just a tease. One sun is not enough for this arctic blast. I just want to feel warmth on my skin that doesn’t involve three layers of blankets. I want to be active outside for longer than the three-minute walk from the parking lot to the office. Basically, I want to feel something other than blah.

If you think I’m crazy, I’m not alone. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is real, people. I haven’t been diagnosed by a medical professional, but I can definitely relate.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of winter, but for whatever reason this one feels worse than I remember. I’m curious how others work their way out a winter rut. Otherwise I may be scheduling an impromptu vacay to the Southeast.